"ROBOCORPSE" (1989) directed by U.N. Known

"RoboCorpse" is a shameless rip-off of 1987's "RoboCop" in the same vein as "Robo Vampire" (1988). It was filmed in Germany using french actors with a speech impediment for supporting roles (they attempted to swallow razorblades) so some dialogue is subtitled using alphabet cookies because there was no budget for real subtitles. All lead roles are played by American actors but for some reason they scream their lines in almost every scene. When viewing this obscure movie one notices that letters and whole words are missing from the subtitles because the guy in charge of subtitling ate them. He's also responible for the cumstain that is visible for almost 20 minutes. You see: for the subtitling the guy played the video on a tv-screen and he then would film it with a camera and subtitle it in real time. Apparantly he was impressed by the fysique of the lead actress (the unknown Kelly Berkley) because he blew his wad all over her. It also doesn't help the movie that his dick is waving over the screen from time to time when the lead actress is shown. The plot: in the near future cop Michael O'Leary (Tom Selleck) dies after having sex with a super-AIDS-infected lovemaking cyborg (Mickey Roony). O'Leary dies of super-AIDS and is brought back to life in the headquarters of Skynet, the company that runs the police force and also pretty much everything else in Old Dallas. A crew of doctors and scientists then attaches his brain to a 76-year old tranvestite who passed away a decade ago and since then was kept in cryogenic suspension. Since that doesn't work out too well (RoboCorpse kills almost the whole crew who built him and has sex with their lifeless bodies. During breaks he discusses filosophical subjects with them) a new crew attaches his brain, spinal chord and part of his face to a cyborg. After the joining of man and machine he is deployed in Old Dallas for law enforcement. But he soon finds out that he once was Michael O'Leary and what happened to him and starts to hunt down the thugs who sold him the faulty super-AIDS-infected lovemaking cyborg. When he finds them he wants to kill them by reading hermetic poetry to them but that is prevented by the Cyborg Poetry Prevention Unit of Skynet since the lead thug is good friends with the vice-president of Skynet. Also, Skynet is in need for whorebots in their corporate brothel in the red light district of Old Dallas and RoboCorpse is deployed there (suckee fuckee is 300 credits). So far the story is quite interesting but halfway the second act Tom Selleck is replaced by an unknown actor with an obvious fake moustache, speaks chinese and doesn't seem to know what he is doing on a movie set. Also, in some action scenes a RoboCop-action figure that is altered to look like RoboCorpse (a felt tip pen was used to draw a moustache on the figure and it was drenched in spaghetti to look like his bowels are sticking out of the body armour) is used. You can clearly see the hand holding the doll. The scene in which RoboCorpse confronts a giant cat (which is in fact a normal sized cat) seems to be thrown in by chance. Also, the "giant" dog running away with the doll between his teeth and the director, trying to get the doll back, running after the dog seems a bit odd. The third act is even more over the top. The unknown Chinese actor is suddenly replaced by a picture of Tom Selleck's face cut out of a magazine and pasted on the makeshift RoboCorpse-action figure. The thugs who escaped RoboCorpse's attempt for revenge are back (still wearing their McDonald's uniforms as if they were pulled from their working spot. None of the thugs are played by professional actors) and start to throw Big Macs at RoboCorpse. Suddenly they show some clips from "Indepence Day", suggesting Old Dallas is invaded by aliens. The thugs are destroyed with a laserbeam (for which a Star Wars lightsabre toy was used), RoboCorpse is beamed on board the alien vessel (still using clips from "Independence Day" combined with shots of cardboard props & the RoboCorpse doll. You have to give the editor credit for his flawless editing). The aliens look like humans wearing green rubber masks, one of them even wears a Nirvana t-shirt. They restore O'Leary to his former self (now played by David Hasselhoff wearing a fake moustache), send him back to earth to fight a robotic dinosaur sent to destroy Skynet. By whom or what the RoboSaurus is sent remains unknown but by this point the viewer doesn't care anymore. The movie suddenly ends while the action is still going on. While O'Leary is trying to destroy RoboSaurus the end credits (real credits, no cookies) roll over the screen and then fades to black with only credits and the sound of heavy battle and the RoboCorpse theme left so the ending remains unknown. In an interview both Tom Selleck and David Hasselhoff claim to have no memory of this movie.

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SILENT BLOODNIGHT (2006) Directed by Stefan Peczelt & Elmar Weichsmann

Produced by Tigerline Productions, distributed by Brain Damage Films Starring a.o. Robert Cleaner, Vanessa Vee, Mike Vega, Christine Dune, ... This is an austrian (not australian) horrormovie shot in english. All actors, who are all non-professional, are austrian and sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger which is often unintentional funny. This is one of those low budget horrorflicks shot in the spare time of the makers, shot on video, cheap looking. Like those Lars Von Trier movies but without artistic pretences. A guy on IMDb wrote this movie caused him wanting to kill himself because it is so bad. I laughed my head off (with no help of the serialkiller in the movie who decapitates people with a shovel)! A mentally handicapped woman is abused by a couple of guys who accidentally kill the girl (the scene is which this happens is so silly, it sounds a lot worse than what actually happens in the film) & her father wants revenge and kills everyone involved one by one, including innocent bystanders, with his shovel. The guy who plays the role of the father is really funny, clenching his teeth & with his eyes bulging out and wearing a hat that makes him look a bit like Freddy Krueger. He even kills a girls who's allergic to bees with a jar filled with bees and holds the open jar to her stomach. The raging bees sting her in the belly multiple times. When she dies & the killer leaves we see a close-up of the bee jar and you can see nothing is moving or flying in the jar so no real bees where hurt in the making of this movie, haw! A journalist of a local tv-station investigates the murders. This role is played by Vanessa Vee, a name that sounds like a porn actress. I guess it's not her real name. She reminded me of Elizabeth Berkley ("Showgirls"), great body (she presents her broadcasts in a bikini!) & her face is okay. She has a thick austrian accent that would make even Schwarzenegger blush. She's also the one who provides the most unintentional funny moments. The special effects are hilarious as well, using fashion dolls (mannequins) for the decapitated bodies with blood spurting out. There's some softcore in it too when we see a couple fucking. The girl (I forgot her name) has a great body, nice cleavage but not a very pretty face (but with tits like that who will care?). Of course the shovel killer kills them. Then some running around and a lot of stuff happening. Who will survive? If you like bad movies that are unintentional funny then this is for you.